Campus personalities present and past Rebecca C. Brown and Tommaso Sciortino tackle the issues. This week on a very special CalJunket: Rebecca learns not to chew with her mouth open and Tommaso finds out his best friend is addicted to no-doze.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
It's the time of year when the last yellow leaves shiver off the trees (unless you live in Southern California, in which case all your trees have been replaced with convenient Wells Fargo ATMs); when turkeys outsell US Weeklys at the grocery store; when we Jews, Christians, and Christmas-loving atheists alike begin to splurge for our loved ones; when "The Year in Retrospect" specials begin airing a month prematurely; and when we are prompted to list in semi-aescending order the things in our lives that make us feel truly gifted. Here is a incomplete list of the aspects of my recent life for which I give the most thanks.
My family in Long Beach whom I miss so much. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night longingly to a harsh Berkeley that simply hasn't given me my daily dose of crazy. Sure, I can find plenty of substance abuse or aimless bickering on the streets, but it just isn't the same when that substance abuse or aimless bickering isn't sharing a 2 litre bottle of Diet Pepsi and a dry bean cassarole with you. In all honesty, I love you. You made me the creative and fearlessly opinionated rascal I am today, and I wish it were less cost prohibitive to visit you more often. Thank you, Lynn-Brown-Goertz-Gibson-Glowacz-Valejo-Meschek brood! (Thanks to the Dumans/Lauries for being my surrogate family for so many occasions.)
California tax-payers. Seriously, guys. Your help means a lot. You pay the taxes that go to the state Department of Education that goes to the Long Beach Unified School District that pays for my mom's health insurance that (until September 11, 2006) pays for nearly all my medical and dental costs. With your kind donations, I have a $0.00 co-pay on all hospital visits, a $2.50 co-pay on all prescriptions (generic or name brand), and I only paid $127.60 for a $1,200 oral surgery procedure. Thanks to you, I don't need to choose between medical care and my expensive food habit. You rock! (P.S. Thanks Karl Marx for the great idea in the first place.)
B. M. Patakas, DDS. My recovery from my wisdom tooth removal has been seamless so far. I'm especially impressed that you yanked out all four of them completely intact. (Now I just need to figure out what to do with that quartet of picture-perfect molars sitting in a little bath of water on my dresser right now.) I'll Rebeccommend you and your extraction team to all my friends.
The soy farmers of this fine nation. I don't know where I'd be without you. You've made the last six years not only tolerable but enjoyable. Now that I'm not allowed to chew for a few days, the milk and powdered protien of your distingushed bean has made a perfect base for my fruit smoothies and pancakes. Cheers to you!
The owners and operators of all my favorite novelty websites. Thanks, men and women of menwholooklikekennyrogers.com, cameltoe.org, homestarrunner.com, explodingdog.com, and foxnews.com! You're always good for a quick pick-me-up.
David Duman. You've proven to be the kindest, most loving person in my life the past few weeks, if not past year. I wish there were a more adequate way (besides stripping you of any anonymity or privacy by thanking you on my blog) to tell you how much your remarkable patience and giving nature have made me happy, especially since they stole the teeth out of my head. Some ladies and gents out there might think their men are top-notch, but they're all big suckers. I'm indisputably the luckiest of them all.