Tuesday, June 03, 2003

I’ve always wanted to invite a woman up to my apartment for a nightcap then just give her one of those little hats that flops over on the side. “That’s all. I just wanted to give you that. You can go now. If you want to go out next week, I’ll give you a short robe that matches.”

Why is it so difficult and uncomfortable to be naked?…That’s why I like to wear a belt when I’m naked. I feel it gives me something. I’d like to get pockets to hang off the belt. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate thing? To be naked and still be able to put your hands in your pockets. I think that would really help a lot.

Nothing compares with the paperweight to express to someone, “I refused to put any thought into this at all.” And where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off their desks anyway? Is their office screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway or something? Are they typing up in the crow’s nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? Where’s the wind coming from?

To me, the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I worked in an office is that when you show up in the morning you say “hi” to everyone and then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. You walk in at the start of the day, “Morning Bill, morning, Bob. You are you doing?” “Fine.”
Ten minutes later you see them in the hall, again you say, “How are you doing?” Now, I already know how he’s doing, I just saw him, he told me how he’s doing. But you’ve got to keep coming up with different little greetings. You start coming up with nicknames for them…. “Jimbo.” You do the little smile with the head raise. The almost imperceptible beneath-the-breath “Hey” with a half-smile. It it’s a narrow passageway, thank God now you can say, “Excuse me.” But it has to have a very friendly singsong quality. You kind of go up a note on the “me.” If you feel more familiar, “Tight squeeze” is popular. When walking by a group of 3 or more men, “Gentlemen” is often used to confer an air of sophistication that is always misplaced.
Day-of-the-week references are always good, especially Monday or Friday because of the obligatory emotions that are assumed to go with them. Any mention of weekend seems to comfort people. “Good weekend?” “Have a good weekend?” People like anything with weekend in it. Thursday’s good for “One more day,” which usually prompts the easy “You said it” rejoinder. Wednesday, “Humpday.”
“That is it.”
We should all agree that we’re just going to say “Acknowledge” as we pass in the halls. You know, “Acknowledge, acknowledge.” We’ll become Vulcans for four seconds and not have to wrack our brains every time we just want to go to the bathroom.

(-Jerry Seinfeld)


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