Sunday, July 13, 2003

Pure laziness

Why no posting from me? Have I been busy saving the world? No, not quite. First, I've been spending hours in the photo lab developing and printing myself to an early death, or prematurely aged hands at least; the photo chemicals are a formidable threat to my lungs and are scortching the baby-soft skin on my dainty fingers.

Also, I've been investing more than several minutes trying to defend myself on Angry Clam. He and his ideological partners are in a huff over Lawrence v. Texas. While a few of my adversaries contend that gay sex/marriage is a violation of the Biblical/moral sanctity of marriage, the majority are complaining that this Supreme Court decision is an example of the Federal government usurping powers that should belong to the state. I disagree on both accounts. A good portion of the comments I've posted on Clam are, in my opinion, well-written, clear, and are undoubtedly very good representations of my beliefs. To be perfectly honest, I do to an extent concede that my expectations of the Federal Government go beyond what is strictly and explicitly delegated in the Constituion (I'm a loose constructionist, I guess). I admit that I believe the government has a compelling interest in providing for equal rights, and thus is allowed to enforce this decision. (I sort of apologize to anyone who agrees with me that Lawrence v. Texas was a step in the right direction, but strongly disagrees with my defence of its legality.) I also think that I'm pretty good at taking shit from others. No pouting or anything! The added bonus is that I use the phrase "[The Supreme Court] decided that I get to have a penis in my butt." If that isn't commendable journalism, I don't know what is.

More importantly, mark your calendars: the first Heuristic Squelch issue of the new school year will arrive in your eager palms on Monday, August 25, 2003 at exactly 10:00am (or whenever one of the editors can drag his ass out of bed). I feel so strongly about the success of my magazine (and/or failure my blog), that I am making a pledge of honor and trust today. I pledge that if I can tally 300 hits between now and midnight this Friday (I have 2968 as of this posting, so that's a total of 3268 hits by that date and time), I will distribute the Heuristic Squelch on the opening day wearing nothing but my underwear, a smile, and maybe some flip-flops. (See, I told you I'd keep the nudity, even if my Gradma Ruth and Grandpa Stan are reading.)

And while I'm at it, I'll make another pledge. I'm so crazy! For every hit I receive between now and Friday at midnight, I'll donate one and a half shiney pennies to the California Patriot. Maybe with the extra five bucks they can hire a decent graphics artist. That's how little faith I have in my readers.

Update 11:19pm: Here is one more pledge to society. (I'm on a role.) If Chris Mathews can soundly defeat Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton in a best-of-five Atlasphere challenge, I will personally comsume Tucker Carlson's best bow tie.


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