Wednesday, October 29, 2003

(This being my inaugural CalJunket entry, I will stick to the humorous. It is a little known fact that the squelch doesn't publish half the things I write, mostly because they aren't funny. I think most of the creative editors have had a slight bias against political humor, but that’s their prerogative. You make the call.)

Republicans find 300 billion in government waste
Tommaso Sciortino, Affairs Betterer

In a shocking revelation today Republican lawmakers have found a government department that has been wasting upward of 300 billion dollars each and every year that it has been operational.

“When our first tax cuts created a 300 billion deficit we explained that we would pay for it by cutting government waste instead of raising taxes.” Explained House Majority leader Tom DeLay, “Well, that’s exactly what we did.”

The government office responsible for this historically unprecedented level of waste, the Department of Betterin’ Affairs, is thought to have escaped detection for so long because of confusion between it and the much more well-known Department of Veteran’s Affairs. A relic from the New Deal, most of the Department’s 300 billion dollar budget was spent on “Just making things better…” said one newly unemployed staffer, “like sidewalks. Maybe they got gum all over ‘em… or maybe you see some guy and he’s got a bad hair cut… we’d buy that guy a hat.”

Republicans have not rested after their victory but have instead planned to pass more tax cuts. Quoted Grover Norquist, “We hope that at the current rate, no American will ever have to pay taxes after 2008. Also, the government will be so lean that it'll be able to run on the change that government workers find lying in the streets.”


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