Tuesday, May 11, 2004

No more homework, no more books. No more teachers' dirty looks.

Hooray for the last day of school. Hoo. Ray. Until finals kick in, of course.

But the promise of laborious three hour tests is of course not the most saddening characteristic of the last weeks in May. What you should be most concerned about is that a new Squelch won't reach your retinas until the first day of the Fall semester.

Remember, humor is not a spectator sport. We want your talent. Are you funny? Do you have skills in Photoshop or InDesign? Are you good at selling ads to local vendors? Join the Squelch. Just email us at, or contact me directly at

I'd love you hear what my readers think were our outstanding displays of creativity during this past year. In the meantime, I'll offer you my own personal favorites:

Best Features:
1. Kaiser Wilhelm, David Duman. (Issue 6)
2. Joel Stephenson, Simon Ganz. (5)
3. Hobbit Losers, Aaron Brownstein. (6)
I’m a Liar, Mark Thomas. (2) (tie)
Stopping the Robots, Kevin Deenihan (5)

Best Newsflashes:
1. Kucinich Delegates Pile into Chevy Astrovan, Matt Loker. (5)
2. Local Man Starts Stereotypes, Kevin Deenihan. (1)
3. Goth Actually Commits Suicide, Aaron Brownstein. (4)
Bush to Fight Terrorism, Rebecca C. Brown. (4)
Nader Kills 30, Still a Good Person, Tommaso Sciortino. (2)
Tang Center Administers Pamphlet, Mark Thomas. (1)

Best Top Tens:
1. Signs your Roommate Is an Old Delta Bluesman. (5)
2. Action Movie Taglines (2)
3. Signs You’re in a Bad Ninja School (6)
Lines for Penis Enlargement Spam (1)
Rejected Star Wars Action Figures (2)
Lesser Known Benjamin Franklin Aphorisms (5)
Things Overheard on Cable Action Shows (5)

Best Graphics (not including color pages):
0. Frowning Jesus (in original form, replete with gratuitous gay sex background)
1. Frowning Jesus v.2, Rebecca C. Brown. (6)
2. Clay Mavis, Rebecca C. Brown. (1)
3. Vegetarian Jack, Rebecca C. Brown. (4)

Ranking of Covers:
1. The Naked Professor (1)
2. Peering Bush (5)
3. Derek Yu-Goldberg (6)
4. Wednesday Night Hack (4)
5. Kittens! (3)
6. Flaming Poo Bag (2)

Ranking of Back Covers:
1. Phone Sex Ads (3)
2. Homeless People (1)
3. Goodbye Berkeley (6)
4. Bush Not Win (2)
5. Absolut Berkeley Goggles (5)
6. Track Marks (4)

(Not that 4-6 in the past two categories aren't also very good, just not as good.)

Good luck on those damned finals, yo.


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