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Monday, June 13, 2005
Coke Head
Small is the new big, at least when it comes to carbonated beverages. In case you haven't visited a grocery store or backyard barbeque in recent weeks, it seems that the major soft drink companies (including Coca Cola, PepsiCo, and even Hansen's) have begun selling their most popular products in six packs of stubby 8oz cans. Never fear, twelve packs of the familiar and proportionally attractive 12oz cans are still available. But the last time I went to Safeway to get beverages for my post-graduation ceremony get-together I was forced to purchase the midget cans.
Though undoubtedly these diminutive servings are a marketing ploy, and though I usually frown upon food and beverage producers re-packaging the exact same product as if it were a brand new [!!!] item (see below), the 33% reduction in can size pleases me. In theory at least, smaller cans means people will be drinking less of this product, and less product means that people might be consuming fewer completely unnecessary calories. For many Americans struggling with their weight, a 35-calorie difference once or twice a day can accumulative make a substantial difference over a goodly period of time.
David Duman and I have deemed these new cans "chodas," combining the product name (soda) with the name of the humorous penile anomoly it resembles (chode). Please spread the good word.
When perusing the interweb for some information on the choda can, I came across the most absurd reification of fizzy water and food coloring that our generation has seen. I introduce you to Coca-Cola Zero, which is in every way identical to Diet Coke save for its target consumer market. I shit you not. It's Diet Coke with a new coat of paint, and the good people at Coke aren't even attempting to conceal this fact.
Coke has jumped the shark in a big way.
Go ahead and click on the "News" link of the Coca-Cola Zero homepage to learn all about this fantastically new-esque product and how it's exactly like Diet Coke except that the reinvention has a new "personality." You'll also find out that people our age don't like to compromise on flavor. Whew! That's a relief. And all this time I thought diet sodas tasted bad.
Aw, cute. They even have quotes from the Coke Director of Marketing as if it were a real news story. "Coca-Cola Zero's personality will be different from any of our other brands, and our marketing will reflect that with some fresh ideas we haven't tried before."
I can't wait. To quote my favorite columnist, "This could be big ... Crystal Pepsi big!"
Oddly enough, as ridiculous as the concept of Coca-Cola Zero may be, I guess I can't really find anything substantial to complain about. You're not going to find me subscribing to AdBusters or sheltering my children from advertising culture, and on a micro-level you won't catch me boycotting products just because they're useless and redundant. There's nothing inherently wrong with ads, so long as they don't lie, and there's nothing inherently wrong with telling stupid Gen-Y'ers and Tweens that they're drinking a new product when they're actually not.
But as long as we're repackaging tired consumer goods for the sake of selling them to a not as of yet saturated market, I can think of a few more products that deserve a makeover. How about the 401(kool), the X-treme retirement savings plan? Any other ideas?
posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 2:42 PM
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