Tuesday, September 23, 2003

ACLU declines to appeal recall election decision, diverts resources to delaying outdated and unreliable Christmas.

San Francisco, CA - The Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals decided today that the unprecedented California recall election will take place on October 7 as originally scheduled, despite the contetnion from the American Civil Liberties Union that outdated punch-card ballots are less accurate than electronic voting systems and thus disefranchise thousands of voters from dense minority populations in six counties throughout the state.

The ACLU took today's ruling in stride, and shortly after the court's decision announced that they have more ambitious plans on the horizon. ACLU presidnet Nadine Strossen told reporters Tuesday that their next project is to delay Christmas, which the organization beleives is inaccurate and unreliable, and which is specifically unfair to minorities.

The case will be heard by the US Supreme Court this coming Friday.

Said Strossen, "Data from all around the nation indicate that poor and minority children are the most likely to receive crappy Christmas gifts, if in fact they receive gifts at all. In nearly every community included in the study, African American and Latino youngsters more than any other ethnic groups were the victims of pre-used gifts, gifts from Walmart, a piece of fruit in lieu of a real gift, or simply no gifts whatsoever. This is unfair. Absolutely unfair."

ACLU spokespeople are citing outdated equipment and profiling as the source of these discrepencies. According to the group, Santa Claus' sleigh, deer, and elves do not have the technology to serve every American child equally, prompting Claus to distribute his limited resources disproportinally to rich white kids whose parents have wider chimneys and superior cookies.

The group is asking for a six month delay of the holiday, which should give Claus and his faculty ample time to update toy production and distribution systems, including speedier, more ergonomically sound toy-building technology and more accurate electronic checking-it-twice devices. They are also requesting that diveristy training be legally mandated for each North Pole staff member.

Claus' spokesmen Jingle and Jangle deny allegations that his distribution techniques are unfair, and are confident that the court will rule in his favor.

(I'm not sure why I wrote this. I'm actually on the ACLU's side. On both issues.)


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