Thursday, September 11, 2003

Happy birthday, Rebecca C. Brown. Love, Rebecca C. Brown
Plus, some tips on staying fit.

In case my self-indulgent self-promotion of my self has evaded you, I'm letting you know that today is my twentieth birthday. In honor of the process of aging, I'm going to offer some tips for staying trim without trying. 'Cause frankly, I love food and hate excercising. I love food that is bad for me. And I really, really hate excercising. However, I also enjoy maintaining good blood pressure and a healthy body mass index. Here's how to make your body work for you!

Unleash the secret power of water. Intuitively enough, drinking lots of water throughout the day keeps your metabolism going. The benefits of drinking this beverage with meals is twofold: your tummy gets filled with water instead of food so you're less likely to overeat, plus it also helps get your gastric action started to increase the efficiency of your metabolism. Some other perks to the universal solvent: your sweat is more innocuoulsy odored, your skin looks better, you're less prone to embarassing gas, and the continual need to pee gives you a valid excuse to step out of lecture for a bathroom break. Just be sure not to drink so much water that your electrolyte balance is skewed; this can lead to heart attacks. Heart attacks are not fun.

Walk, foo.' It's been reported that overweight people who park at the far end of the parking lot and work and on errands, thus necessitating a few extra minutes of walking each day, have lost five pounds in less than a month. Not only does walking instead of driving help burn a few calories, it more importantly keeps your body's metabolism higher throughout the day and while you sleep. And it tones your buns. Mmmm...toned buns.

Eat. Again with the metabolism thing. If you go more than a four or five hours with an empty stomach, your body gets angry and starts slowing down. Your body can only assume that each meal it receives is the last before a long, harsh winter or scorching summer without food. If you give it small meals and snacks every few hours, it'll start to trust that it can burn freely without fear of a week long fast. (The phenomenon of your body automactically preparing for frozen winter fasts is especially problematic for us ladies, whose bodies are prepared to store enough food [fat] for us AND our unborn babies, just in case we get pregnant. Stupid body.)

More specifically, eat fruits and vegetables. They taste great, they're refreshing, they're loaded with vitamins, plus they're low in calories and high in fiber. High fiber means your GI system needs to work a little harder, which helps your metabolism keep on its toes. High fiber also means high gas, unfortunately. But it helps absorb cholesterol and prevent colon cancer.

Don't grow older than the age of 23. That's when it really starts going downhill.

Be born genetically predisposed to low blood pressure, low cholesterol, high metabolism, and lean muscle mass. Hey, it works for me and my sister.

Lastly, become involved in an emotionally enriching relationship with a strong foundation of honesty, trust, and lots of sex-having. First, sex burns calories, if you're doing it right. Second, this kind of partnership will help remind you that you're an attractive and valuable person no matter how flabby you are.


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