Monday, September 22, 2003

I'm darn tootin' furious

Alright, CalSERVE. I just about had enough. In fact, I'm officially pissed off. And no, I'm not being sarcastic this time, though if you thought I was I would understand because my most emphatic headlines and opening comments usually are; no offense taken. Even if it wasn't illegal to spend $35,000 (a little over a dollar per student) of ASUC money on non-campus political campaigns, it would still be in poor taste. This money could instead have been used to fund 175 new Student Initiated Student Groups (SISGs) or 11 issues (11,000 copies per issue) of the Heuristic Squelch or 83,333 39-cent cheeseburgers at McDonalds (and that includes tax!). Seemingly no amount of money will be enough to convince CalSERVE that they are not a national lobby group. No amount of negative campus media coverage can convince Quindel and the GA that our fees are not intended to cover stipends, food and beverages, or state-wide political campaigns.

Normally (today being an exception) I grow so weary of and confused by campus politics that I shove my head into the sand and discuss federal politics or the environment or boobies or anything else when I should, like the good little Cal blogger I am, be bellowing about the ASUC. Frankly, ASUC politics bores me to salty, legally-subsidized tears. Which is why I would be an ideal ASUC senator or executive office holder. That's right, I'm officially announcing my candidacy for some office; maybe Student Advocate. Here is why you should vote for me:

- I believe the money given to the ASUC by students belongs soley to students. These funds should be used to service the campus community through student groups, student publications, and a bit to the Greeks. But especially student organizations that provide free (and hilarious) magazines, free concerts, or free services to students of Cal. Not AIDS orphans. Don't get me wrong; I have nothing but sympathy for AIDS orphans and, when I work my way into national politics, will do something about it. Just not with your campus money.

- I've got a wonderful speaking voice. I tad shrill at times, but my grammar is exemplary, and I impressively avoid the insipid words "uh" and "like" for the most part.

- I want the services provided by the ASUC to encompass more of the campus community. This includes more low-priced or free entertainment events and more publications. And fewer events (such as the ASUC ball) that are funded by all students but can only be enjoyed by a few hundred students at a time for about $30 a pop.

- I'm surprisingly conservative when it comes to campus politics. I guess by conservative I simply mean pragmatic. The ASUC does not exist to make all Americans' lives better (that's what the real-life government is for), and despite my staunch liberalism on the national front, my campus politics are aimed entirely on giving each student the opportunity to get his $35 worth.

- Free cookies for all! Actually, I take that back. Get your own damn cookies.

So what do you think? Are you with me? I'm with me. Vote Brown '04.


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