Friday, March 04, 2005

¡Viva la Presidenta!

Even though Andy and CalStuff already announced my presidential candidacy with the Squelch! party, it just doesn't feel official until I do it. So here it goes:

Vote for Rebecca "Slander and Libel" Brown for President!

As a presidential candidate, I promise to repeatedly violate Title IV, Article 13, Secion 5, Item 2 of the ASUC By-Laws, as detailed in the Quigley-Heilig Elections By-laws.

13.5 The purpose of the following section is to hold candidates, parties, and propositions responsible for violations of important legal protocols which transcend the internal processes of the ASUC, and to define and provide equitable remedy for the same. For this reason, any person, party, candidate, proponent or opponent of a proposition found before the ASUC Judicial Council to have committed violations of important legal protocols through the following acts shall be assessed two (2) to one (1) censure(s):

...

2. Committing, according to established legal standards, libel or slander against another candidate or party

(Emphasis added)

In short, I plan on defaming my opponents, my party members' opponents, my friends, and strangers with the most eggregiously absurd accusations that I can fathom. No one is safe; not even Misha, who isn't even running for anything.

In an effort to be sure that I do not earn any party censures, lest I inadvertantly disqualify any of my esteemed and politically viable party members, I shall hold off on the slander and libel for now until I confer with my colleagues in the judicial branch of the ASUC and clarify how one gets individual rather than party censures.

Frankly, I'd be surprised if anyone bothered to prosecute me so long as I only stand to disqualify myself. Can I prosecute myself?

So while I can't name any names yet, I do feel confident in claiming that I can think of at least one presidential candidate who killed a hobo down at the Berkeley Marina, and I'll give you a hint: his name rhymes with "Manny."

While in office, I promise to re-write at least half of the ASUC by-laws to contain more benevolent attitudes toward slander and libel, and veto every bill that doesn't provide for the ability of ASUC officials to slander and libel 'til the cows come home. If I had my way, asuc.org would be nothing but a litany of baseless rumors about senators and UC administrators.

I encourage you to devise your own absurd rumors about me and my opponents. It's fun.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 10:53 AM

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