Thursday, March 31, 2005

These are the emails I get.

I occasionally get some swell emails in response to my weekly columns in the Daily Californian. Some are so good, that I think I should share them with you.

Here's what I got for this most recent column.

I go to high school in Los Altos in northern California and I stumbled upon your column on the Internet and I thought it was absolutely hilarious, you have inspired me to apply to Berkley. Thanks.

Aw, glad to do my part for society. Who needs recruitment and retention centers? Maybe if you make it in you'll learn how to spell the name of the city.

You are the most talented writer of the column with a fascinating wit. You must receive several anonymous propositions a week. I'm in my 30's. Honestly, I woulld like to see your two best features, and the eyes behind the funny glasses.

Mmm, classy. Thanks for the compliment. My step-dad is also in his 30s, except he's not a loser.

What's up Rebecca, just took a look around the lab and guess what: no New Balances! We've got Nike, Adidas, Reef (me, oh yeah), and a really swell pair of Johnston & Murphys. Better think twice before throwing those stereotypes around all willy-nilly. Seriously though everybody down in the Microgravity Combustion Lab digs your column, it's really the only one I've seen worth reading since what's-her-name did 'Sex on Tuesday' a couple years back (Rachael something?). Your description of Berkeley during spring break really took the edge off my own spring break aliment: a cell-phone inflicted deep calf contusion. For real, the sage-like doc at the tang said it was the first one he'd ever seen, I guess they're normally caused by football helmets. Call Guinness, and if you're ever in the neighborhood stop by 60 Hesse Hall and show us your boobs!

See, now that's a cool email. The author is obviously intelligent and interesting, and has a first name of ambiguous gender, which means I can't e-hit on him or her, which is probably a good thing. I love science nerds.

I think I'll make this a regular feature, and maybe go back through the past nine weeks and share some more of my old favorite Daily Cal emails.

Feel free to trounce through my archives using the links I've included on the sidebar under "Flagrant Autofellatio."

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 9:15 PM
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Mitch Hedberg Dead.

Shit.

"Well that's a fresher. I'm going on break."

God speed to one of the most original stand-up comics I've heard. This is a blow to the entire industry, which, save for gems like Mitch or David Cross or Patton Oswalt, is a mire of mediocrity and hackneyed jokes. If you haven't heard either of CDs, you are a sadder individual for it.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 3:14 PM
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Whoopsies.

Hey, it turns out that libel and slander aren't prohibited in the election by-laws anymore. Sucks to that. Nobody tells me anything.

This effectively makes the main motivation behind my campaign (to get sued and disqualified) thus far unfulfilled. My secondary motivation for running the "Slander and Libel" campaign (to have a reason to make up lies about my opponents), however, remains untinged.

Thus I need to find a different way to get sued. Let's see what I come up with.

Also, even if Zach Liberman is dropping out of the race, he still likes to put tampons in his asshole.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 4:03 PM
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

That's some fancy reporting, Rebecca C. Brown

Check out this super-awesome new story I wrote up about Misha's not-quite-yet-finalized Executive Order that would allow EAP students to vote via mail via paper ballot via the inernet.

Look, I even used quotes and everything. I think I may have found my calling as a drab journalist.

Don't bother asking me to join your staff, Daily Californian. I'm too cool to work for you. Oh, wait, no I'm not.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 10:00 AM
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Monday, March 28, 2005

Federal court? What federal court?

Where's a properly functioning rumor mill when you need it? Let's just hope it invovles Zach Liberman crying some more.

Pussy.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 2:29 PM
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Thursday, March 24, 2005

Another example of a campus Republican being startlingly competent

Two cheers, at the very least, to Election Council Chair Angel Brewer for not doing anything stupid yet.

Excerpt #1 from an e-mail to all candidates, written by Angel:

Your candidate statement - You have up to 100 words to write whatever you would like. Your statement will NOT be edited or proofread; I am only going to be making sure that you have 100 or fewer words.

Compare this to the (in my opinion and the opinion of a certain former Judicial Council Chair) unnecessary and illegal actions taken by last year's Election Council Publicity Coordinator, who took it upon herself to censor the content of three SQULECH! Party candidate statements (Holohan v. Simon, 2004). As if the word "cunt" wasn't protected speech.

Needless to say, both my candidate statements this year (for president and senator) were riddled with profanity, and I've yet to encounter objections from any Election Council members.

Excerpt #2 from an email sent to those involved with the weeky ASUC ad in the Daily Cal, written by Angel:

The ASUC Voters' Guide that runs in the Daily Cal is part of the election publicity budget. Last year WAY too much $$ was spent on it when it ran as part of the Daily Cal. This year we are doing the layout & printing ourselves (the same printer as the Daily Cal) and just paying for the insert costs. We'll save AT LEAST $2,500.

SO AWESOME!

She's also been pretty helpful so far with keeping the website updated and complete. Though, to my credit, I've been working my ass off for asuc.org and election.asuc.org. Fuck, I even learned how to do lists in html.

Speaking of which, please use both those sites (especially the election one) as helpful tools during this election season. I like to run a tight ship. As always, your input about both sites is very appreciated and actually influences the way I develop the sites.

Alright, I'm done verbally blowing Angel and myself.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 8:35 PM
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I am Kilroy!

At some point in one's youth one realizes that one is physically, mentally, and emotionally incomplete, and that many of the conundrums of existence will never be solved. However, this morning I unlocked the single greatest mystery in life. It took courage, strength, and about a liter of ketchup, but I've figured it out:

"Mr. Roboto" is the best song of all time.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 7:20 PM
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Monday, March 21, 2005

Why you should vote for me, Point 1: I'm not a douchebag

Election season is just two weeks away from reaching its boiling point (which, much like peanut oil, has a significantly higher boiling point than olive oil - which is why you shouldn't fry with olive oil), and it's about time that I started my presidential campaign in earnest. I would have started my presidential campaign in Ernest, but I'm pretty sure that Christmas has already been saved several times over.

Anyhow, I've noticed as of late that most ASUC candidates are like skeezey men: they only talk to me if they think I can give them something they want. For many candidates, they talk to me because they want (a) an official second-place endorsement, (b) my second-place vote, (c) me to extoll their virtues to my friends/readership/interested voters in general, or (d) a nice firm handjob.

I will give none of those things, nor will I ever ask for any of those things from any of my opponents. I will not ask my opponents or any non-SQUELCH! Party candidates for any favors, nor will I scheme behind their backs, nor will I pretend to enjoy the company of people whom I genuinely dislike. If you catch me on Sproul during campaign season, I will talk to you as a person and not a potential voter. I'm confident that my unquestionable charm and rock-hard abs speak for themselves.

That's the SQULECH! Party difference: we don't politic. (We do, however, turn adjectives into intransitive verbs.)

The same cannot be said for a certain Zach Liberman, who happens to be a registered sex offender.

So, in short, you should vote for me because I'm not a phoney douchebag. Or you can not vote for me at all. It's the American way. With any luck more ASUC candidates will follow my lead and adopt a more genuine, friendly approach to garnering supporters.

Many thanks to my opponents who join me in my quest for sincerity. Undoubtedly fellow presidential candidates Alfred Twu and Ronald Cruz will be my greatest allies in this journey. In fact, they would both be ideal candidates if not for their respective penchants for embezzlement and public nudity. So sad.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 2:14 PM
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

They're like characatures of themselves

Sometimes I question my perception of Republicans as "...scheming, homophobic, baby-seal-clubbing, civil-liberty-repressing conservatives sitting around a mahogany table giving hand jobs to Fortune 500 CEOs...," but maybe that's not much of an exaggeration after all.

That's right. We're finally gonna start drilling for oil in Alaska. Because the internal cumbustion engine is the wave of the future! Hydrogen, nuclear-generated electricity, corn alcohol, driving less...Not in the USA, my friends.

It's as if Bush and the Republicans in Congress are attempting to enact legislation so eggregiously evil that the headlines look like they're ripped from the Onion. "Bush Proposes Burning Orphaned Puppies to Fuel Rocket to Mars." "Congressional Republicans Take Turns Raping Your Grandmother." "Condoleeza Rice: 'Fuck Iraqi Children.'" "Reps Support Drilling in Alaskan Frontier to Leach the Land that Might Not Have Much Oil in It, Even if Doing So Destroys Hundreds of Native Species."

Congratulations, team. You've outdone yourselves.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 1:50 PM
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Und meine nummer es:

TWENTY TWO

That's my presidential candidate ballot number. Now I need to think of things that rhyme with 22. Like...Vote for me, I'll vote for you. Big brown shoe. Smells like poo. Get the flu. Kinda blue.

Anyhow, now I just need to get a "2" tattooed on each buttcheek.

Word.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 10:32 PM
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Saturday, March 12, 2005

ASUC: Boring!

Sorry for the mostly ASUC-related coverage as of late. Unfortunately the Association has been dominating my hours lately. The websites I run for semi-official purposes (asuc.org and election.asuc.org) have been requiring a lot of my time in the last week, especially since I decided to learn a little html and start formatting pages for my webmaster.
, muthafucka.

I'm also going to need to start campaigning for ASUC president pretty soon. My victory should be a cinch, given that Zach, Manny, Justine, and Yvette are all known communists who are Pol Pot apologists, but it still takes time and effort to get your message out.

I promise to return to my good old-fashioned ranting about local and national news soon enough. In the meantime, enjoy an excerpt from the honors thesis I'm writing for my Interdisciplinary Studies Field degree:


Beef is one of the most historically and culturally misunderstood staples in the North American diet. From birth to death, the beef cow transforms corn, antibiotics, and supplements into sellable parts: bone, gelatin, tallow, internal organs, and, most visibly, meat. After slaughter, the beef cow is transformed once more, however this time both physically and conceptually, and by the consumer rather than by any biological processes. In the latter transmutation, our steer is chopped, frozen, shipped, packaged, cooked, and served, not just as nourishment but as an icon. Beef has been constructed as a sort of liaison between twentieth century urban consumers and the receding "natural" landscape that beef production has so artfully helped destroy since the industrial revolution.

This transformation warrants closer scrutiny because the iconography behind beef is rooted in an increasingly mythical landscape. Unbeknownst to most consumers, the idyllic family farm of popular imagery is on the brink of extinction, and large corporations dominate modern agriculture. Today’s steers are fed previously unimaginable amounts of antibiotics, a practice that forces the evolution of antibiotic-resistant bacteria at an alarming rate. Unless specifically noted, the grass diet that cows naturally eat has been replaced with government-subsidized corn feed, which takes its toll both on the health of the steer and the quality of his flesh. Artificial insemination has turned natural breeding into an antiquated relic of inefficient cow husbandry.

Yet consumers continue to see beef as a linchpin in the natural human diet. Beef production is still conceptualized alongside green pastures, the open range, and a portly farmer donning overalls and wielding a pitchfork. Consumers still see eating beef as an assertion of their natural nutritional needs. Steaks and hamburgers remain a stand-in for masculinity and independence, and our natural dominion over the acquiescent land. Beef has become a parable for national character. Beef has become a legend.

This paper is an analysis of the processes that transform beef into a culturally meaningful meal. It is an examination of the assumptions we have about the natural landscape, our bodies, and our relationship to the earth, and how these assumptions are used to justify eating a product that only vaguely resembles its ancestors of a two hundred years ago. This paper is a look at the visual and conceptual roots of many of our understandings about nature and, by extension, many of our misunderstandings about beef. It is a deconstruction of the modern myths that infuse every serving of pot roast, tri-tip, and ground beef in North America.


The introduction goes on for another five pages, and the whole thing will be at least 60 pages long. For those of you who are interested, I'll host the entire thing as a Word document once the first draft is completed.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 11:57 AM
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

BREAKING:
Manuel Buenrostro is a straight punk, bitch.

ASUC Election 2005 coverage is hot and heavy, my friends. I have some insiders who have clued me into the dirt on my fellow candidates. Today I've been informed the following about presidential candidate and dirty fool Manny B:

Don't believe his asuc.org profile. Manny's grandfather not an immigrant from Mexico; he was an elite aristocrat from Zurich who made billions in the "watch" business. Old man had francs coming out of his ass and his pure-bred German Shepherd's ass.

My opponent's accent is faker than George W. Bush's presidency.

Also contrary to his nice-guy image, word on the street is that he's a very poor tipper.

Don't forget to vote April 5-7, but not for that sucka MC.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 7:03 PM
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Until we start making at least seventy-four cents on the dollar...

In case Google's little female smbol confused you, today is International Women's Day.

A few fun facts about women:

We represent just 49% of births, yet 51% of the living population.

On average in the US, we live five years longer than men.

In the US we make 73 cents for every dollar a man makes for doing the same work.

We represent nearly 60% of AIDS/HIV cases in sub-Saharan Africa.

We have a higher tolerance for physical pain than men.

Most of us don't watch the Lifetime Network or eat ice cream when we're depressed.

We can make babies without men.

Your mom is or was one of us.

In short, it's a mixed bag being a woman. Socially and economically we remain shockingly disadvantaged, but I wouldn't trade in my womanhood for anything in the world. The fact that my being an opinionated leader and a woman still manages to impress people is indicative of larger cultural ills. Though I have never chosen to be involved in organizations that deal directly with elevating the status of women, I hope that my success in the ASUC, with the campus' favorite "boy's club" (the Squelch), as a published author, and as a student has contributed to inspiring at least a few men and women in my life to respect women and their abilities.

If you're a man and you want to know what being a woman is all about, undertake a meaningful and mutually respectful relationship with one, and see what you can get out of it.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 5:59 PM
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Monday, March 07, 2005

You Heard it Here Third

CalStuff got it first, then I posted it on asuc.org, and now CalJunket is rocking the fact that the J-Council can't make up its mind. While the news of the decision is interesting, I'm far more proud of the fact that I now have the ability to post news on asuc.org all by my little self. Woo hoo for Rebecca C. Brown.

To quote me:

The Judicial Council has issued a dismissal of last Tuesday's case contending Academic Affairs VP Rocky Gade's eligibility to serve in the ASUC. While three justices decided that Gade's second semester as a UCB Extension student qualified him to remain AAVP, the remaining three justices interpreted the by-laws to mean that only Fall Extension students are given student status and thus the ability to serve in the ASUC.

Due to the lack of a majority rule, the Judicial Council has advised the ASUC Senate to separately address the issue.

Now that's some fancy reporting. Like how unbiased I sound? Given that this is my first bout of AP-style journalism (except for maybe a few newsflashes for the Squelch, not that the AP is known for using dirty words), I'd say that I deserve a pat on the back.

But this isn't asuc.org. It's my website, and I can editorialize if I want to. Similarly to Ben, I love Rocky like he's my Indian brother, but I just can't swallow the idea that the by-laws could be interpreted in his favor. In fact, I can't really buy that there is any room for interpretation.

Article 1, Section 2 of the ASUC Constitution:

Any person registered as a student, or registered as a Fall Extension Student at the University of California at Berkeley may be a member of the Association.

Yeah, Fall Extension.

Title VI, from Articles I (Officers Student Status) and II (Special Status):

For purposes of serving as ASUC Senators and Officers and of running for such officers, a student is defined as:

1.1. One who is registered in classes during the current semester or, if between semesters, during the most recent semester.

1.2. No person may run for ASUC officer or act in the capacity thereof who is not a student as defined here and in the ASUC Constitution, unless he/she meets the qualifications for Special Status... .

2.1. A student who is an ASUC officer or a candidate for an ASUC office shall be allowed to be in Special Status at most one semester if he/she is working towards the removal of a University imposed impediment of his/her registration.

Okay, Rocky is not registered right now, nor is it between semesters, so that takes care of 1.1. Being in Extension is not a "University imposed impediment," so 2.1 is out. And, again, he is not a student according to Title VI 1.1 or Article 1 of the Constitution, nor does he qualify for Special Status, so 1.2 doesn't help him. Sorry to get all Mike Davis on your asses, but the law (yes, the law...read it!) says that RockStar can't serve as AAVP.

Of course, if you have decided like Justices Gregg, Cooper, and Banerji that...

the University of California—Berkeley can be thought of as an umbrella entity, which encompasses both the official UC Registrar and the UC Extension program

...then all "rules" are out the window. Umbrella entity? Whoa, dude. Just, like,...whoa.

I hope that some magical hidden bly-law will allow my good friend Rocky to continue serving while still leaving the integrity of the law intact. Luckilly the ASUC Judicial Council does not operate based on precedent, at least not in theory.

Read the full decision here, why don'tcha?

In other news, the new election.asuc.org is up and running, though by no means complete. Give me your input.

Now if you don't mind, I need to wake up and go teach some seventh graders math in five hours.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 2:43 AM
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Friday, March 04, 2005

¡Viva la Presidenta!

Even though Andy and CalStuff already announced my presidential candidacy with the Squelch! party, it just doesn't feel official until I do it. So here it goes:

Vote for Rebecca "Slander and Libel" Brown for President!

As a presidential candidate, I promise to repeatedly violate Title IV, Article 13, Secion 5, Item 2 of the ASUC By-Laws, as detailed in the Quigley-Heilig Elections By-laws.

13.5 The purpose of the following section is to hold candidates, parties, and propositions responsible for violations of important legal protocols which transcend the internal processes of the ASUC, and to define and provide equitable remedy for the same. For this reason, any person, party, candidate, proponent or opponent of a proposition found before the ASUC Judicial Council to have committed violations of important legal protocols through the following acts shall be assessed two (2) to one (1) censure(s):

...

2. Committing, according to established legal standards, libel or slander against another candidate or party

(Emphasis added)

In short, I plan on defaming my opponents, my party members' opponents, my friends, and strangers with the most eggregiously absurd accusations that I can fathom. No one is safe; not even Misha, who isn't even running for anything.

In an effort to be sure that I do not earn any party censures, lest I inadvertantly disqualify any of my esteemed and politically viable party members, I shall hold off on the slander and libel for now until I confer with my colleagues in the judicial branch of the ASUC and clarify how one gets individual rather than party censures.

Frankly, I'd be surprised if anyone bothered to prosecute me so long as I only stand to disqualify myself. Can I prosecute myself?

So while I can't name any names yet, I do feel confident in claiming that I can think of at least one presidential candidate who killed a hobo down at the Berkeley Marina, and I'll give you a hint: his name rhymes with "Manny."

While in office, I promise to re-write at least half of the ASUC by-laws to contain more benevolent attitudes toward slander and libel, and veto every bill that doesn't provide for the ability of ASUC officials to slander and libel 'til the cows come home. If I had my way, asuc.org would be nothing but a litany of baseless rumors about senators and UC administrators.

I encourage you to devise your own absurd rumors about me and my opponents. It's fun.

posted by Rebecca C. Brown at 10:53 AM
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