Monday, March 21, 2005

Why you should vote for me, Point 1: I'm not a douchebag

Election season is just two weeks away from reaching its boiling point (which, much like peanut oil, has a significantly higher boiling point than olive oil - which is why you shouldn't fry with olive oil), and it's about time that I started my presidential campaign in earnest. I would have started my presidential campaign in Ernest, but I'm pretty sure that Christmas has already been saved several times over.

Anyhow, I've noticed as of late that most ASUC candidates are like skeezey men: they only talk to me if they think I can give them something they want. For many candidates, they talk to me because they want (a) an official second-place endorsement, (b) my second-place vote, (c) me to extoll their virtues to my friends/readership/interested voters in general, or (d) a nice firm handjob.

I will give none of those things, nor will I ever ask for any of those things from any of my opponents. I will not ask my opponents or any non-SQUELCH! Party candidates for any favors, nor will I scheme behind their backs, nor will I pretend to enjoy the company of people whom I genuinely dislike. If you catch me on Sproul during campaign season, I will talk to you as a person and not a potential voter. I'm confident that my unquestionable charm and rock-hard abs speak for themselves.

That's the SQULECH! Party difference: we don't politic. (We do, however, turn adjectives into intransitive verbs.)

The same cannot be said for a certain Zach Liberman, who happens to be a registered sex offender.

So, in short, you should vote for me because I'm not a phoney douchebag. Or you can not vote for me at all. It's the American way. With any luck more ASUC candidates will follow my lead and adopt a more genuine, friendly approach to garnering supporters.

Many thanks to my opponents who join me in my quest for sincerity. Undoubtedly fellow presidential candidates Alfred Twu and Ronald Cruz will be my greatest allies in this journey. In fact, they would both be ideal candidates if not for their respective penchants for embezzlement and public nudity. So sad.


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