CalJunket

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Welcome back...to me.

Long Beach says hello to my readers. My brief reprive from school and work was very enjoyable. Thanks for asking.

For those of you who will be in the LA area tomorrow night, I highly rebeccommend that you catch my step-dad's 80s cover band Knyght Ryder at Di Piazza's in the LBC! I've actually never seen them perform, but I've heard them rehearse. And they wear tight pants.

The highlight of my trip to Long Beach was getting to watch my step-dad's DVDs of the BBC show "The Office." Absolutely the funniest six hours of television produced in the last ten years. Europe does everything better than we do. Television. Fashion. Ecology. Music. Cars. Social democracy. Agricultural regulation legislation. Everything but food.

Speaking of food, is Jody Gorran the biggest douche of the week or what? He's the idiot suing Atkins Inc. because the institute's recommended diet gave him high cholesterol and clogged his arteries. That's like filing a lawsuit against the Pope because growing up in a devout Catholic household gave you a pee fetish. What did he expect?! It's also annoying that the organization filing the suit is being identified as an "extremist" animal rights group. Just what I needed.

In conclusion, go Flames. And go Lakers.


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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Catch you on the flipside....of my trip to Long Beach.

I'm gonna be in the LBC and deprived of an internet connection from tomorrow to Tuesday. In the meantime, you should browse through my archives.

Hope your finals are treating you kindly. See you next week.





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Fixed that giant bug.

Yeah so I fixed the big bug in the program that was making it undercount. You can still download the latest version (2.28) here.

ASUCTabulator.zip

Thanks again to Joe Henchman.


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Sunday, May 16, 2004

Hipsters and homophobes make strange bedfellows.

Was I the last person the planet to find out that Urban Outfitters President Richard Haynes has given over $13,000 to Senator Rick Santorum and his PACs over the past few years? (Article links here and here.) Suddenly those four pairs of pants and handful of shirts that I got from UO feel so...tainted. I'd expect this kind of nonsense from Wal-Mart or the Gap, but suddenly my underlying suspicion of Urban Outfitter's hipper-than-thou capitalization on disgruntled apathetics is proving founded.

(For those of you who reside under a rent-controlled rock with your fingers glued into your ear canals and an acute allergic reaction to the internet, Rick Santorum is a Republican senator from Pennsylvania who has made himself famous by denouncing the evils of homosexuality, abortion, premarital sex, and single-parent upbringings. Santorum is the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.)

I've never been great at being a political consumer. For all my tough talk, I knowingly purchase clothing that was most likely sewn by malnourished Indonesian children. I eat fruits that have been treated with groundwater-polluting pesticides. I eat vegetables that were probably harvested by underpaid, overworked immigrants who don't have the language skills or political clout to resist their conditions. I even worked at McDonald's for two months, and was an exemplary employee at that.

In spite of my aforementioned hypocrisies, however, I do my best to correct at least a few of society's ills via my consumption habits. Just because you can't do everything doesn't mean that you shouldn't do something. And I consider Rick Santorum to be a societal ill. Finally I have a tangible excuse not to suffer through the overpriced sense of inferiority I feel when I walk into UO.

What's hipper than hip, and significantly hipper than Urban Outfitters, then? Wearing actual vintage clothing. It's cheaper, usually of higher quality, and doesn't directly contribute to sweat shop labor. Buying used clothing is similar to adopting a kid; there are already so many unwanted belts and tshirts out there, it's your civic duty to bring them into your home and show them what real love can look like. (The difference is that once you no longer like skinny belts or realize that lime green isn't your best color, you can reintroduce your used clothing into the adoption cycle. Kids, on the other hand, are significantly more difficult to pawn off once their novelty has worn thin.)

Some great places to buy used clothing near campus include Buffalo Exchange on Telegraph, the Goodwill at Shattuck and University, and Out of the Closet further down University near Sacramento Street. These old garments will get a second chance in life, you save some cash, you don't directly create more demand for abusive labor practices or the environmental resources that go into producing and shipping new clothing, and you don't support Rick Santorum.


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Saturday, May 15, 2004

Don't get out much anymore...

So I haven't had a chance to post very much with my new job and not caring anymore. I have however, just finished writing (yet another) program to tally the votes from an ASUC election. It hasn't passed any official tests like the program they've used in recent years, but I will be submitting it to the Election Council technical coordinator to see if they want to use it this year. I wrote it it in java using the fancy netBeans IDE. I even included the ballots from the past three years for people who want to drive themselves crazy trying in vain to reproduce the original results without knowing exactly who special dropped when. (Long story short: for the most part no one thought to write down the special drops in previous elections.)

ASUCTabulator.zip

here's a screenshot



Let me know if you find any bugs or if you have comments.

Update: I've already noticed a bunch of inefficiencies that can be cleaned up. The current version is 2.1 I’ll be posting 2.2 pretty soon.

Update: Version is 2.2 is up.

Update: Version is 2.25 is up.

Update: Version is 2.27 is up. The other ones have a bug that screws up vote transfers so if you want to do a real count you need this version.


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Friday, May 14, 2004

Why y'all gotta be hatin'?

I may have mentioned once or twice on this here website that I hail originally from southern Califorina, and more specifically from Long Beach (home and/or birthplace of Snoop, Cameron Diaz, J.T. Snow, and the kid who played Wesley on "Mr. Belvedere"). We in the LBC straddle Orange County to the south, but deep deep down our spirit is entirely Los Angeles County.

It's remarkable that in a metro area as large and disparately populated as LA that we can band together for anything. We can't agree on politics, OJ, or even what language to speak. (I heard somewhere that the most watched news in LA is on Telemundo.) We can, however, agree on the Lakers. Shit do we love our Lakers. After they won their second title in two years, you couldn't cross the street without being almost run over by a white Ford Bronco sporting one (or two) of those Lakers flags that you stick in the crack of your window. The 405 shoulders were covered in wayward Lakers flags. Every third 12-year old boy was wearing a Kobe jersey. People of all demographic categories rushed home afer work to catch the Lakers playoff games. It was magical. I thought the whole world was with us.

Then I moved to Berkeley for college. Turns out that the rest of America hates the Lakers and everything they stand for. They hate Kobe, they hate Shaq, they hate Phil, and they'd probably hate Chick Hearn if he weren't already worm food. Why all the hate, especially from the Bay Area? To quote my county-mate Reginald, can't we all just get along?

I have a few theories as to why all this hate drifts into my beloved county.

The Lakers have good players and are good as a result. People resent frachises that have enough cash to buy an MVP. All the money in the world can't buy a championship on its own, though. The LA Kings had gads of cash and Wayne Gretzky years and they never got a Cup. The Giants have Barry Bonds and they've also come up empty. The Lakers are more deep in talent than nay-sayers are willing to admit.

Famous people go to Lakers games. Sacramentians are bitterly jealous that there's no one in northern California good-looking enough to be put on TV. I can't help it if all you yokels are ugly. I also can't help it if Jack Nicholson apparantly has nothing better to do 45 nights a year.

Los Angeles is a soul-less mass of soul-less soul-lessness. So very true in many respects. Much of our image is fabricated. And most of us from LA know at least one girl who got plastic surgery from her parents as a high school graduation gift. And everyone drives and SUV. And there are too many Republicans. And the air is filthy....Hey, come to think of it, maybe I hate LA, too.

Kobe Bryant likes to rape people. Can't argue with that one.

Kazaam. There is no excuse for Kazaam.

In conclusion, only a few common lambasts against the Lakers are valid. Especially Kazaam.

In conclusion part two, shout outs to the San Jose Sharks for making a series out of a would-be blow out. I predict Flames in six.


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Thursday, May 13, 2004

There goes any chance of a Rebecca C. Brown Executive Vice Presidency.
Boo hiss boo.


I was banking on CalSERVE and maybe even Student Action being disqualified as entire parties, so that then (assuming that I got more votes than Alfred Twu and Mo Benny) I, your faithful Blogstress, would by default become your next ASUC EVP. No such luck however, as you can read on CalStuff.

The SJP ruling is a joke. As usual, however, many regards to Mike Davis for leading a minority voice of reason and insight. He can be a sopping self-important douche when he wants to be, but he knows the laws and implements them accordingly. He's welcome into my judicial chambers anytime. (And no, Mike, that wasn't meant with any dirty connotations.)

As you know, the duties of the position for which I ran are focused around running ASUC senate meetinsg, which are currently very dull. Given that there's a Ghandi's chance in Hell that I'll be EVP, I'd like to provide a list of all the awesome things I would have enstated had I earned the position by accident:

- Greek council comprised of actual Greeks. Frome Greece.
- Each first Wednesday of the month: costume night in the Senate Chambers. First week's theme: the American Civil War.
- Beloved stenographer Steve Litwak replaced by television's own Alan Thicke.
- Much more spontaneous breaking out into song.
- Minimum two Hoku Jeffrey references per meeting.
- EVP's gavel replaced with fresh salmon.
- Say the word "community": get comically doused in green slime.
- In lieu of budget meeting, heartwarming production of "Fiddler on the Roof," starring Ronald Cruz as Tevye.
- Nitrous oxide. Oh yeah.

You had your chance, ASUC electorate. You don't know what you're missing. Me. That's what you're missing.

(By the way, many combolations to all the graduates of 2004. Especially big congrats to David Duman. You are the wind beneath my wings.)


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Tuesday, May 11, 2004

No more homework, no more books. No more teachers' dirty looks.

Hooray for the last day of school. Hoo. Ray. Until finals kick in, of course.

But the promise of laborious three hour tests is of course not the most saddening characteristic of the last weeks in May. What you should be most concerned about is that a new Squelch won't reach your retinas until the first day of the Fall semester.

Remember, humor is not a spectator sport. We want your talent. Are you funny? Do you have skills in Photoshop or InDesign? Are you good at selling ads to local vendors? Join the Squelch. Just email us at feedback@squelched.com, or contact me directly at rcbrown@berkeley.edu.

I'd love you hear what my readers think were our outstanding displays of creativity during this past year. In the meantime, I'll offer you my own personal favorites:

Best Features:
1. Kaiser Wilhelm, David Duman. (Issue 6)
2. Joel Stephenson, Simon Ganz. (5)
3. Hobbit Losers, Aaron Brownstein. (6)
Also:
I’m a Liar, Mark Thomas. (2) (tie)
Stopping the Robots, Kevin Deenihan (5)

Best Newsflashes:
1. Kucinich Delegates Pile into Chevy Astrovan, Matt Loker. (5)
2. Local Man Starts Stereotypes, Kevin Deenihan. (1)
3. Goth Actually Commits Suicide, Aaron Brownstein. (4)
Also:
Bush to Fight Terrorism, Rebecca C. Brown. (4)
Nader Kills 30, Still a Good Person, Tommaso Sciortino. (2)
Tang Center Administers Pamphlet, Mark Thomas. (1)

Best Top Tens:
1. Signs your Roommate Is an Old Delta Bluesman. (5)
2. Action Movie Taglines (2)
3. Signs You’re in a Bad Ninja School (6)
Also:
Lines for Penis Enlargement Spam (1)
Rejected Star Wars Action Figures (2)
Lesser Known Benjamin Franklin Aphorisms (5)
Things Overheard on Cable Action Shows (5)

Best Graphics (not including color pages):
0. Frowning Jesus (in original form, replete with gratuitous gay sex background)
1. Frowning Jesus v.2, Rebecca C. Brown. (6)
2. Clay Mavis, Rebecca C. Brown. (1)
3. Vegetarian Jack, Rebecca C. Brown. (4)

Ranking of Covers:
1. The Naked Professor (1)
2. Peering Bush (5)
3. Derek Yu-Goldberg (6)
4. Wednesday Night Hack (4)
5. Kittens! (3)
6. Flaming Poo Bag (2)

Ranking of Back Covers:
1. Phone Sex Ads (3)
2. Homeless People (1)
3. Goodbye Berkeley (6)
4. Bush Not Win (2)
5. Absolut Berkeley Goggles (5)
6. Track Marks (4)

(Not that 4-6 in the past two categories aren't also very good, just not as good.)

Good luck on those damned finals, yo.


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Monday, May 10, 2004

CalJunket does sports, too.

The 2004 Stanley Cup Western Conference finals matchup between the San Jose Sharks and Calgary Flames is the best it's been since 1993 when the Los Angeles Kings and Toronto Maple Leafs faced off for a trip to the Big Series. Suntans and migrant labor versus snowballs and progressive income tax. This year's match is even more critical, though, because the Flames are the only Canadian team left in the playoffs, whereas in 1993 the Montreal Canadiens stayed alive in the East and went on to win the Cup. No Canadian team has won it all since the Habs did, and no Canadian team has made it to the Cup finals since the Vancourver Canucks did the following year.

Don't get me wrong. On a visceral level I'm rooting for my semi-home team Sharks. (Having discovered hockey while living in Long Beach, I will of course die a Kings fan. But during my tenure in the Bay Area I can afford to relinquish my sense of rivalry and have a second favorite.) But with the Canadian dollar suffering (and with the NHL not doing so well across the board) our teams to the north are losing clout. Remember the Winnipeg Jets and Quebec Nordiques? They got sent to Phoenix and Denver and got slapped with hideous purple logos. It's imperative that the birthplace of hockey remain the home of at least a handful of hockey teams, but this can't happen unless some Canadian teams get their poop together and win a Stanley Cup.

Who could have guessed 30 years ago that teams from San Jose and Tampa Bay would be in their conference finals? It's counterintuitive that the Golden State and Sunshine State would enjoy any success in a sport that requires ice. I suppose we have no one to blame but Wayne Gretzky, who in 1992 forfeited his Edmonton dynasty in exchange for millions of dollars and a tan. His legacy inspired thousands of kids to don roller blades and start street hockey teams all over the Sun Belt. The man from Branford, Ontario could even be held repsonsible for the birth of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Florida Panthers, and aforementioned Lightning. If anything, Gretzky single-handedly made the NHL a flashy commercial enterprse. I've never reconciled for myself whether that was a victory or a tragedy.

In short, yay Flames. And yay Sharks. But yayer Flames.


P.S.
Five points to whoever guessed that Rebecca is blogging about hockey because she's avoiding writing her 10-page paper for Laura Nader's Controlling Processes course.


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I expect SPAM with such stunning subject lines as "Get prescribed cialis.., Viagra, Valium, xanax, Diet Pills and much more online!" But "Get prescribed cialis.., Viagra, Valium, xanax, Diet Pills and much more online! Overnight Shipping torque greengrocer genius slocum bradshaw atlantis conformance clasp dishes trailhead yellowish agitate our singlehanded maitre" is less predicatble.

Or "Valium, xanax, cialis.., Viagra, levitra, Phentermine, Xenical & many others prescribed online and shipped overnight neuroses testicle crack caulk conferring exogenous upgrade beneath parsley orthodoxy annihilate instance decompose tarpaper anticipatory failsoft malagasy auxiliary preposterous conformal insurmountable blumenthal greed puffery liverpudlian countermen hill rosenberg pound charity." Insurmountable Blumenthal?

Perhaps the modern spammer is now equipped with one of those Word of the Day calendars.

Could someone with more technical know-how explain to me the advantage of including all these superfluous words in the subject line of junk emails? Enquiring minds want to know.


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Sunday, May 09, 2004

Hasta, Senior Deenihan

Kevin at CalStuff has said goodbye, and CalJunket wishes him the best. I probably wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess had it not been for Kevin. I think it was the night when the ASUC election votes were tabulated last year that I got the blogging bug; I saw Kevin moniter CalStuff's traffic, and he had gotten over a thousand hits that night alone. Absolutely inspirational. I'll say it again: I'm only in it for the hits.

CalStuff now belongs to a handfull of youngsters, including three wee Squelchies. The best of luck to them as well.

Soyonara Kevin-san. Cal isn't the same without you.


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Saturday, May 08, 2004

CalJunket gets a new look

Rebecca C. Brown cares about her readers. She aims only to please. Therefore she has invested a few hours in the "Template" tab of blogger attempting to make her website a little more attractive and definitively more Cal-esque. (If anything, now CalJunket looks like the old Bearmail site, sans the whimsical rollerskating be-sunspectacled ursa, and with more cursewords.) Continuing within the theme of Rebecca C. Brown being concerned foremost with the happiness of her loyal readers, she would be most greatful if you offered feedback (positive or negative) about the changes and made suggestions as to what could be improved. She would also like to start writing in first person.

Note that she, er, I also changed the comments template. Classy, no?

P.S. Don't forget that tomorrow is Mother's Day. Unless your mother, step-mother, or legal guardian fully appreciates this holiday for what it is (a marketing ploy meant to capitalize on America's guilt for not taking better care of its mothers), I bet your old woman would love to hear from you.


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Friday, May 07, 2004

If only they invested this much effort into their magazine

From the idiot savants who brought you Jizzlam comes one of the more impressive mockeries of student government authority that I've ever encountered. Members of the Koala, UCSD's "humor" magazine, reportedly took the Associated Students council meeting by storm, equipped with water balloons, Super Soakers, and a goat. I highly encourage you to read the full account here.

Why doesn't the Heuristic Squelch stage such elaborate pranks on our own ASUC, you might ask. First, we can't afford to piss off the same people who give us money. The Koala, on the other hand, has about a $12 operating budget and doesn't need to make people happy just to make their magazine. Second, we have more important things to do, such as writing jokes.

Three cheers, though, to the Koala staff for their constant pursuit of juvenile mirth.


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Thursday, May 06, 2004

What the budget hath wrought

Word on the street has it that the Heuristic Squelch's 2004-2005 budget was allocated last night/this morning at $300-$400 less than it was last year, and as usual much less than it takes for us to produce the magazine. (The rest is made up in advertising.)

Hey watch out. This is the part where I alienate people. Here goes. Smart Ass (that left-leaning political mag) was asking for an addition $800 last night to cover in increase of paper costs next year, yet they do not even attempt to solicit advertising in order to complement their funds. Their representative claimed that the 'zine was already too full of text and that there simply isn't room for ads. Uh...what? So be more selective with your articles! Narf! There's a budget crisis goin' on, Smart Ass, and you haven't reached out to enough of the campus community to go frolicing about asking for more money when you don't even try to generate your own revenue. Another representative conceded that if they do not get more money then they will be forced to seek out ad money.

One interesting aspect of the budget meeting is that Chancellor Robert "Bobby" Berdahl excused the ASUC's debt to his office, provided that at least a certain amount of that waived debt be allocated to recruitment and retention centers. Chancy-B sure loves his diversity. (For those of you unfamiliar, RRC's are given money to recruit certain groups of high school students for Cal, or more generally to encourage them to go to college. The BRRC targets African American youngsters, RAZA seeks out Hispanic kids, and so on.)

I left the meeting at 2am, long before any budget decisions were finalized, and for all I know the meeting could still be going on. With any luck the Squelch, which succeeds issue after issue to please students regardless of their gender, ethnicity, age, major, religion, political affiliation, or stance on that whole Israel/Palestine mess, did in the end receive an equitable amount of money.

My thanks to Squelchies Kevin, Cooper, Ben, David, and especially Dan for investing their many hours into the meeting.

Massive thanks to the senators who have consistently defended the Squelch; they are in the minority, but their support makes a world of difference. Lest I further alienate anyone, I won't bother naming names. Y'all know who you are. Thanks again, all of you. I owe you all scarves.


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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

MORE CAL-RELATED NEWS

The Financial Committee reached a balanced budget last night, though of course this needs to be approved by all 20 senators on Wednesday. The Heuristic Squelch was treated fairly, but nothing is finalized, and the Squelch is never safe until the budget is set in stone. We're still being allocated severely less than it takes to produce our magazine; we're one of only a handful of publications and student groups who has actually decreased in funding over the last two years, and our precentage decrease since then is one of the highest.


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Monday, May 03, 2004

BREAKING CAL-RELATED NEWS!

This just in: Senator Leybovich is receiving one (1) censure for SPAM-Gate.

This also just in: If elected, Senator Leybovich pledges to be the buffest president in ASUC history.

In other news, the Financial Committee heard appeals (and is hearing appeals) from several student groups regarding recently proposed cuts. Representatives from the award-winning Heuristic Squelch eloquently explained why its funding should not be cut in excess of the percentage cuts doled out to all student groups in the face of a financial crisis. The results of this meeting will be known sometime in the wee hours of tomorrow, then finalized at Wednesday's senate meeting.


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Sunday, May 02, 2004

Dealing with the SALS

Do you or someone you know suffer from increased sensitivity to the discomfort of coerced collective efforts? Does government intervention cause you to break out in hives? Do you have trouble acknowledging inefficiencies in markets systems? Can you hear voices, but have difficulty understanding words? You may suffer from Sever Acute Libertarian Syndrome and you should know the warning signs.

SALS can strike at any time. Like stroke victims who may lose feeling on one side, people suffering from SALS may not be able to sense any dangers from unchecked corporate power. SALS victims are generally not able to distinguish between working together for the common good and being forced into a nazi concentration camp. SALS victims will always be strong supporters of democracy, but would like those democracies to be small, powerless, and generally inconsequential.

When SALS victims take their beliefs to their logical conclusion, they will claim that even the military and the draft are horrible threats to their freedom. People at this stage of infection generally do not have long to live before they get cancer and die (lest they impose their will on the non-conformist cancer cells). For this reason, most living SALS victims you will meet are only at the stage of infection where they claim that it’s important to keep a standing military to defend against armed enemies, but not a standing fire department to defend against fires.

SALS should not be accused with other diseases. TS or Tolerance Syndrome strikes those who wish that pot were legal and the government kept its nose out of things that don’t affect other people. RGS or Rich Guy Syndrom strikes those have so much money that they would honestly have more power and freedom in the Mad Max style world desired by SALS victims.


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